Dear Anon
I sympathise with both of you. Your partner wants a good relationship with his father and has done everything he can from his side with little response. You would like to make things better between them but you can't so you feel frustrated and hurt on his behalf.

What your partner wants is a good, kind, caring and attentive father who shows how proud he is of his son and who takes an active part in his life. But that's not what he's got. Your partner may still be holding onto the childhood belief that if only he can be perfect, his dad will come through for him. It's sad having to let go of that belief but it will help your partner in the end. It may be some comfort to him that no doubt his dad loves him as best he can, it's just that he's not able to be the demonstrative and involved dad your partner would like. Instead your partner might start feeling sorry for him as he lacks these skills or has too many problems of his own to take much notice of your partner. He can decide that when it comes to his turn to be a father, he'll make different choices. He can also build his own self-esteem so that he no longer feels dependent on the support of a man who's shown he can't do support.

It's not really worth you, or your partner, having a big long chat with the dad, or hurling accusations. It would be like accusing a blind man of not looking. Besides, it would invite a hostile response or a cutting off from the dad's side. All your partner can really do %u2013 and it would be best coming from him %u2013 is ask his dad if he's willing to come to the wedding, and make sure he has a card with the time, date and place on it. Either he'll show up or he won't, but that really is about him, not your partner or you. Other than that, and the odd quick visit or brief phone-call in the future so your partner knows he's done his best on his part, he can pretty much stop flogging a dead horse. How the father responds is down to him. If your partner wants help in learning to come to terms with his dad's shortcomings, there's a section on parental non-involvement in my book Is Your Family Driving You Mad?.

Meantime don't forget that your wedding-day is about you and your partner. You're the most important people there, and the event is most important for you two. I hope you and your partner can celebrate with each other and with the support of loving friends and maybe other family members. Maybe you and your partner could even have a private toast to his poor dad who is missing out on so much.

I wish you and your partner confidence and a happy, loving future. Good luck!